Bad Blood ~ Female Friendships Part 1

 Today's topic: female friendships. Part 1.

What makes a healthy female friendship? What makes a toxic one? How do we tell the difference?

Before we begin, a big thank you to everyone who shared & submitted their stories & opinions on this topic via Twitter & e-mail.

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In order to understand what a healthy friendship is, we need to figure out what a toxic one looks like.

In Part 1 of this topic we're looking at toxic relationships. You know the type. You get this unpleasant feeling in your gut, something feels off, or you feel like you're punishing yourself every time you guys catch up. There's no sense of joy or contentment - no connection. 

I could go on forever about what those friendships feel like. But the point is...often, we stay in them. We trick ourselves into believing that a bad friend is better than having no friend at all.

But we deserve better.

We deserve female friends who will help us to grow as women, who will support us and allow us to support them in return.

Which is exactly what Jess realized. And here is her story:

"I had a toxic friendship once.

It got very one sided towards the end. If things didn't go her way she would get very annoyed. My parents would happily have her along for New Years Eve events but we rarely got thanks out of it. She was a difficult person to be around. She was the type of friend who would want to catch up (and I would get really excited for it) but cancel at the last minute due to lack of funds or "having to work". I wouldn't have questioned her, except it happened all the time. 

It happened so much that towards the end of the friendship I was over it. The defining end to our friendship was when she wanted to hang out but I couldn't - for once. I was semi grounded and had to prepare for a friends 21st birthday party the night after. I couldn't even make it to the funeral of a former work colleague! All I got back in a text was "ok" and soon after I was deleted on Facebook.

That hurt.

After all the times I'd accepted her excuses, put up with her running late or cancelling on me, she couldn't even do the same for me once. One cancellation - totally out of my control - and I was officially off the friend list.

She had a lot of problems, I guess - she pushed a lot of her other friends away too. She's now engaged. I wish her the best." ~ submitted by Jess

 Jess' story holds a lot of important points that I'm going to now cover. Those are in bold.

 Point #1: The friendship is 'very one sided'

 

This is a difficult point to cover...purely because it changes with every friendship. Like with Jess, sometimes someone can legitimately not reciprocate. Whether it's that they can't come to your party when you've attended theirs, or they aren't free to hang out with because of previous commitments. 

But when it happens a lot...again and again...you need to start questioning a few things.

1) Are you putting in all the effort in this friendship?

2) Are they legitimately busy?

3) Are they taking you for granted?

4) Are they dealing with other issues?

The best course of action? Talk to them. 

True friends can discuss anything. Let her know how this distance and lack of reciprocation makes you feel. Ask her whether she needs someone to talk to, or whether you guys can sit down and work out times that suit her. 

Because sometimes we, as females, believe we need space from others. We withdraw into ourselves and distance ourselves from people who genuinely care for us. We need to realise that our friends deserve better than that. And vice-versa. Don't allow you friend to shut you out and don't shut out your friends. Talk about whatever the issue is. 

On the other hand, if it's simply an attention-seeking device and you know 100% that she's not actually busy and is simply being thoughtless, then it's time to assess your friendship. Looking at Jess' story, if your friend can't do something for you once that you've done countless times for her...what does that say about the direction your friendship is heading in? You shouldn't have to pull all the weight. It's not fair on you, or on anyone.

Friendships that are one-sided are like a cruise ship without lifeboats, or trying to fly a plane that has only one wing. Pointless. Reckless. And guaranteed to drag you down or end with you being hurt. 

 Point #2: 'I was over it'

We've said it so many times.

"I'm over it!" 

"This is the last time!"

"I can't deal with this anymore!"

And yet we often stay in these friendships anyway. We put up with feeling frustrated, hurt, and isolated...why again? Oh, that's right. Because a girl needs friends, even ones who backstab and snitch and make excuses and treat us like dirt. 

We're encouraged to stay in these friendships. How? By the ways in which people who do ditch their friends are treated. Girls who ditch their friends - no matter how horrid those friends are - are treated as outcasts. In real life and on social media (like Jess' story where she was unfriended on Facebook). Things like being unfriended on Facebook may seem trivial. But it is very, very symbolic. And often hurtful.

When a girl unfriends another girl she's making a statement. A very public one. It's the 21st century equivalent of a Shakespearean thumb bite. 

But here's a wake up call, ladies - sometimes a friendship has run its course.

It's like any other relationship. Sometimes it has lived its life. Done its thing. There is nothing left anymore, none of the original common interests, feelings, etc. that brought you guys together in the first place. 

There is no 'friendship license' you sign when you become a friend. It's not ''til death do us part'. You can end a friendship - politely would be best, if possible. But there's no shame in realizing you've outgrown a friend. 

Sometimes you need to put distance between you for your friendship to recover and to allow both of you to gain some perspective and to grow as people. 

 Point #3: 'She had a lot of problems'

No, not first world problems...real problems. Problems that you, as their friend, just aren't equipped to deal with.

Now we need to be clear about one thing: this is a delicate topic. It's also up to you to decide where your 'point of step back' is. 

Everyone needs a 'point of step back'. It's the point where you step back and allow your friend to deal with their issues on their own. Yes, it sounds cruel. True, it's probably not a particularly easy thing to do. But sometimes it's a necessary thing to do.

You can't deal with a person's problems by yourself, all the time, on top of your own problems. There is a stage where you can help - be there for them to talk to, comfort them, give them advice, support them in fixing their problems. 

I can't clearly define where the 'point of step back' exists...but you'll know it, I promise. I've experienced it before. It's that point where you realise that you've been helping this person for ages and ages, doing everything you can, but nothing has changed. And the person you're helping is taking your help for granted and is not doing anything about their problems themselves. Instead, they're waiting for you to fix everything.

This isn't healthy - for you or for your friend. You need to, at a certain point, step back and give them the reins to their own life. They need to acquire problem-solving skills of their own, without you there as a safety net. They need to grow as a person - as their own person, not as the person they are when they're with you or the person you see them to be. 

You can still be their friend. But you need to draw a line between 'friend stuff' and 'problem-solving stuff'.

This is the end of Part 1. Part 2 (coming soon) will focus on what makes a healthy female friendship.

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 What do you think makes a toxic female friendship? Have you ever experienced one?

Feel free to share your thoughts and experiences with us in the comments section.